Survivor Stories (pt. 5)

TW: Sexual violence

Every survivor has their own story, yet not every survivor feels heard. For a multitude of reasons, survivors fear speaking out. And even if they do speak out, that doesn’t mean someone will listen… or believe them.

From the start of my work with PAVE, I emphasized my desire to highlight survivor stories. I desired to create a space for survivors to share their voices, one that perseveres even after my time at PAVE.

The pieces below were submitted by survivors, some requesting to remain anonymous. Thank you to these survivors for your strength and vulnerability. We hear you. We believe you. We support you.

Compiled by Jessica Katz

I was just a 19-year-old girl by Selah Bañaga

It’s taken me 5 years to finally understand the fullness of my story. I’m a 23-year-old woman now. I still get harassed and stalked by people when I speak up about my assault story. I still get nightmares and more memories of that night that never ends. He’s still pushing me against the sink and wall and I’m still holding my breath. I still remember the way he pulled my pants down and felt me up. I remember more of it with each passing day. I remember the blood and pain. I remember staying silent about it after. Telling myself it’ll just make me a party pooper. I still remember him pushing me toward that bathroom and going in and out of consciousness. He’s in all of the men’s faces that smile at me like they knew it’d be that easy. Right?!? It was my second time drinking after all. It was my first time opening my legs. It was my last time being that naive 19-year-old girl. I will continue to feel these emotions daily but I will learn to live with them knowing he won’t get to know the 23-year-old woman or the 30, 40, 50-year-old woman I am promised to be.

A Letter to My Rapist by Olivia Neuman

I look in the mirror and cry

I am disgusted with my body and sigh

To life I was numb

I felt like scum

I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same

I have so much shame

You took away my innocent

And there was no consequence

I said no

But, to you, that meant go

You weighed me down

I wanted to drown

I wanted to wait for someone special

But you stole my soul like the devil

I thought we were friends, but that came with a cost

My trust in men was destroyed and lost

You are scarred in my memory

Where was your empathy

I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t move

What were you trying to prove

Life frozen in time, living delayed

Searching for healing, for weeks I prayed

I spent years in therapy because of you

And you have no care, or clue

But I won’t let you continue to invade my mind

Healing and peace and strength I’ll find