Consent & Coercion

Most people know the basics of consent— no means no and yes means yes. It can seem simple, but, consent is a lot more complicated than that. Consent is the process of agreeing to engage in both physical and sexual activity with someone. It doesn’t have to be sex. Even hugging, holding hands, or kissing should be consensual.

Consent doesn’t mean doing whatever it takes to get your partner to say yes. That is called coercion, and it means that your partner does not consent to sexual activity, even if they say yes. What is the difference between consent and coercion? First, let’s look at what healthy consent looks like.

If you want to remember what healthy consent looks like, use the acronym FRIES. FRIES stands for freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific.

Freely given: The person consenting can do so without feeling pressured, manipulated, or guilted into consenting. They are not afraid of the consequences of what will happen if they say no. They are also not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. 

Reversible: Anyone can change their mind about what they’ve consented to at any time. Even if they are in the middle of sexual activity, they can decide to stop. 

Informed: Informed consent means that a person knows exactly what they’re consenting to. 

Enthusiastic: The person consenting is only consenting to things they want to do, not things they feel like they have to or are supposed to. They are excited about the physical or sexual activity they are consenting to!

Specific: The consent is about one specific act, not anything else. Just because someone consented to one thing doesn’t mean they’ve consented to other things. For example, consent to oral sex doesn’t mean consent to penetrative sex. It is important to ask for consent for each specific activity. Importantly, consent should also be asked every time.

By following these parameters, you and your partner can fully consent to sexual activity. But, if any of these parameters aren’t followed, consent cannot be granted. Coercion is one of the ways that prevent consent from being granted. 

Coercion is manipulating someone into unwanted sexual activity in a non-physical way. This can include pressuring, lying, tricking, guilting, or other psychological manipulation to force someone into unwanted sexual acts. 

Even if a person says yes after the coercion, they are not consenting to the sexual activity. Remember the F in the acronym FRIES— freely given. If they have been coerced, they are no longer able to give their consent freely. 

Someone can coerce someone in many different ways, so it can look different depending on the situation. Here are some ways that coercion looks when it’s in action. 

It can look like outright threats:

One’s partner might explicitly tell them what will happen if they don’t engage in sexual activity with them. Their partner might say things like:

“If you don’t sleep with me, I’ll leave you for someone who will.”

“I guess if you don’t want to then I’ll just have to ask your best friend. I know they won’t say no.”

It increases feelings of guilt:

One might use their partner’s feelings against them so that they agree to engage in sexual activity. They make their partner feel guilty or bad about themself for saying no. Additionally, they may make their partner feel compelled to say yes because they don’t want to hurt them. This can sound like:

“If you were a good partner, you would have sex with me. I guess you don’t really care about me.”

“I am so unattractive. It must be true, because if you really thought I was attractive you would sleep with me.”

If one withdraws their consent after saying yes, their partner may try to make them feel guilty. They might say things like:

“You promised we could have sex tonight, it’s not fair to say no.”

“It’s your fault I’m so worked up, you have to fix it. We can’t stop now.”

It can be non-verbal:

They may tell their partner that it is okay that they  don’t want to engage in sexual activity, but then cry, stomp away, slam doors, hit things, or throw things. Or, they might give their partner the silent treatment until they say yes. They could also deny their partner affection because they  said no. 

It can be repeated:

They might ask their partner over and over until their partner is  so worn down they say yes. They could ask their partner repeatedly in that instant, or they might repeatedly ask them over the course of a day or longer. They could ask them in person, or they might text or call them repeatedly. They could even show up to their partner’s home, work, or school to convince them to say yes. 

These are just a few examples of what coercion looks like in practice. Coercion encompasses any type of lying, tricking, guilting, or other manipulation to make someone say yes to unwanted sexual activity, including ways that are not mentioned here. 

Remember, coercion is not consent. If anyone feels pressured to say yes, then they’re not really saying yes. It is important to respect someone’s right to say no. 

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence, please know you can find resources on Survivors.org. We believe you and are here for you!

Written by PAVE’s Fall 2021 Outreach Intern, Isabel Greenstein